Look at this child, people! Do you see his face?
Because this is it. This is what sleep-deprivation in all its glory looks like.
It’s been a crazy week… a week ago I was at my wits end. This sweet boy had me up every 2 hours for 10 months in a row. That would be his entire baby life! Somehow along the way, I created an addict. I didn’t mean to. I just kinda happened. He ended up needing me by him, closer and closer as the months went on. He got sick and started cutting 4 teeth at a time, so I just brought him up to our bed… for comfort’s sake of course. 😉
But yeah. That backfired and it hit me hard.
Soon Ben wouldn’t even touch his pack n’ play anymore. His baby radar would go off the instant I started to lay him down. It was unreal. But having him sleep on our bed at night wasn’t any better either. His mad ninja skills came out as he sucker-punched me 500 times in a row and karate-kicked my poor organs. I hope things weren’t permanently rearranged!
Something had to give. Things needed to change and fast. I knew I had to bite the bullet. I had to do the dreaded sleep training, something both my boy and I would hate. But with perseverance, pacifiers and a lot of comforting belly-rubs, it could happen. I had to believe it could.
The first night basically sucked. He didn’t understand what was happening. I could just imagine what was going on in his sweet brain, “Mommy whyyyyyyyyy?” And I looked at him and said, “It’s because I love you. You may not want to do this, but trust Momma. It’s for the best. For all of us.” Not like he could comprehend what I was saying, but talking out loud helped convince myself as well because those screams… they are something fierce!
Anger. Sadness. Confusion. And of course, exhaustion.
I can’t tell you how many times I am talking to one of my kiddos, and I hear Jesus whisper the same gentle truth to my heart.
“You can do this, buddy.” You can do this, my child.
“I believe in you.” I believe in you.
“I love you.” I will always love you.
“I’m so proud of you hunny.” You make me proud.
“Mommy’s right here.” I will never leave you.
Sometimes I start to cry… when I hear my God and I see His tenderness for me, even when I don’t feel like I deserve it. But it never depends on my behaviors. His love never sways because I lose my junk. It is steadfast, it is faithfully true, it is the most real love there is. And when I come up against situations that make me cringe… when I am brought to places that I really don’t want to go… when I have to face fears head on or do the things that are the hardest for me… it’s in those still, strong moments that I hear the voice of my Creator as He speaks life into the most difficult and sometimes darkest parts of my life.
I know I’m talking about sleep training here. It’s not the most dire of circumstances. It may suck and I really don’t like doing it, but I realize there are many other life crises that are harder to overcome and slush through. Yet, it’s in these smaller things, these little everyday examples, that Jesus shows me the big certainties that apply to everything. And it refreshes me and sets my spirit free.
Free from fears and anxieties and worries that could easily mess with my head. Because if I choose to believe during the everyday little things and I bury these truths deep within my heart now, when the inevitable storms come (because I know they will), I will be able to stand firm… or at least be able stand back up again. And again.
Fast forward one week… To this week, to right now. Ben is sleeping anywhere from 3-6 hours in a row! I mean, this is huge for me people! If you have seen me in my extreme zombie state recently, I’m sure you can agree. I literally started crying last night when my husband just laid him down in his bed and he fell right asleep! *insert giddy clapping*
Yes, I get to catch up on some much-needed zzzz’s, and I may not hate bed time anymore.
Yes, I actually get to have my life back at night.
But more than this, He did it again. He showed me that Yes… He was with me and He always will be, no matter how insignificant or significant the matter. He cares deeply and fully. Really. Every beautiful detail of our lives matters to Him and He heavily invests Himself in in it all. Because He loves us.
We are valuable treasures. Treasured by the King.
Let that one sink in, my friend. Let that everyday beauty sink in.